I Kissed a Zombie And I Liked It Official Site

Extraordinary* Trailer B (Long)

2011-08-01T11:37:00.001-07:00

Return to the "zombified" version of Des Moines three years after the events of I KISSED A ZOMBIE in the crazy new book, EXTRAORDINARY! Coming November 8, it's an epic tale of love, death, musical theatre and unicorn poop.

Extraordinary* Trailer

2011-04-07T06:30:00.003-07:00

A new book set in the same world as ZOMBIE - it's an epic tale of love, death, musical theatre and unicorn poop.

EXTRAORDINARY excerpt!

2011-02-28T05:58:00.000-08:00

EXTRAORDINARY, THE TRUE STORY OF MY FAIRY GODPARENT, WHO ALMOST KILLED ME, AND CERTAINLY NEVER MADE ME A PRINCESS, a new book set in the "Zombie" world, is coming November 8th from Delacorte Press. Click the link below to check out the first chapter!

EXTRAORDINARY: The True Story of My Fairy Godparent, Who Almost Killed Me, and Certainly Never Made by a Princess

by Adam Selzer (Coming Fall, 2011 from Delacorte Press)

Chapter One:

"So all I have to do is get that boy to kiss me at the dance, and I'll be a princess?"

Jenny drew a sharp breath. The air was filled with the smell of daffodils, and the very stars in the sky seemed to be taking on a purple hue. First she'd found out that her naturally purple hair meant she was a fairy, and now she could become a princess, too?

"Just let me take out my wand," said her fairy godmother. "Jenny Van Den Berg, you were born to be extraordinary...."

- From Born to Be Extraordinary by New York Times bestselling author Eileen Codlin

Eileen Codlin sucks cheese.

And I should know. I'm Jennifer Van Den Berg. The real one.

While Eileen is sleeping on mattresses stuffed with money, I get to deal with all the idiots who think I'm really a fairy princess, and that I can make other girls princesses, too, if they just bug me enough.

And their moms.

Especially their moms.

I'm not a princess. I don't even want to be one. I believe in democracy, and I think it'd be super awkward to have a servant hanging around me all the time.

But that's only one of a thousand things Eileen changed around for her book to make it more like "what readers want to read." That was nice of her, huh?

When she showed me the first draft, I felt sick to my stomach before I finished the first page.

"So, I guess you're not going to say it was a true story after all, huh?" I asked. "This girl isn't anything like me."

She just laughed. "I want this book to really connect to teens and tweens," she said, "and they probably don't want to be like the real you."

Gee, thanks, Eileen. That just makes me feel super.

"If you want to connect with them, stop calling people 'tweens,' I said. "That's the stupidest word ever."

"But I know what they want," she said, with that stupid, fake smile of hers.

"What?" I asked. "Pure crap?"

She just kept on smiling.

But obviously she knew what she was talking about, seeing as how about eleven million people bought the book, and even more saw the movie.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean or spoil your fun or anything, but I feel like I need to clear a few things up.

Also, I need some money.

So this is the real story. Exactly as it happened. I've cleaned up the language in a few places, but that's about it.

First of all, my parents want me to make it very clear that I'm not an orphan. Mom got really upset when she read that she got mowed down by a truck when I was four. Dad wasn't too upset when he read that he was a billionaire playboy who didn't even know I existed, but that's way off, too.

My "fairy godmother" did not smell like daffodils, unless those daffodils were growing in a public restroom that hadn't been cleaned since the early 1980s.

And I know I've been going around saying that Mutual Scrivener, the nerd who keeps trying to kiss me in the book, was a fictional character, but, well...you'll see.

And here's a fair warning: if it's crap you want, well, you're gonna get it. The real story has a lot more unicorn poop in it than the version you've already read. Just, a lot more. Born to be Extraordinary didn't mention that stuff at all, which is probably just as well, but I can't tell the real story without it.

To be fair, though, Eileen did get some things right.

When the story began, I really was a normal, smart, slightly chubby, but totally lovable (most of the time) teenage girl from Iowa.

And I do have purple hair (though I wasn't born with it or anything - it's dyed). I also have purple clothes, purple walls in my bedroom, and anything else purple that I can get. I'm purpliferous. And yes, that's a real word (especially now that it's in a book).

And I do have a friend named Amber. She's really awesome, too.

And the guy you've seen in pictures with me isn't really Fred, but Fred was a real guy. He was really a vampire, too.

And the story of my fairy godmother really did start out on a lousy, crappy, soul-sucking, butt-sniffing, very bad day...

French "I Kissed a Zombie and I Liked It" Cover.

2011-02-25T13:23:00.001-08:00

Hot!

New PSA!

2010-10-28T18:56:00.001-07:00

Kalina "Kitten" McReery stars in an all-new PSA. I wrote about this PSA in the follow-up book and decided to film it!

Fall Tour Dates!

2010-09-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

Adam's fall "tour" will kick off with an appearance at Book Cellar in Chicago on 9/29 at 7pm. He and Julie Halpern ("Get Well Soon") both appear in this year's Banned Books Week packet from the ALA, and will discuss their experiences with people challenging their books. Here's the facebook event page: We've Been Banned!

Following this, Adam will make at least three appearances at libraries around Chicago in October to discuss local ghostlore:

Oct 20: Stickney Library, Stickney IL
Oct 22: Eisenhower Library, Harwood Heights IL
Oct 26: Sulzer Library (Lincoln Square), Chicago IL
Oct 29: Ghost Event sponsored by Anderson's Book Shop, Naperville, IL

Adam will also be appearing at the Aurora Book Fair in Aurora, IL (Home of Wayne Campbell) this Saturday afternoon!

TEST

2010-09-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

Random House's Insight Widgetgreat free widgetsWidgetboxMore info

Doug's Car

2010-08-03T06:13:00.001-07:00

While I was working on ZOMBIE, I came upon this car in a parking lot that looked exactly like I imagined Doug the Zombie's car looked. The car is one of three characters who will be back for the next book set in the ZOMBIE world, tentatively titled PURPLE WISH and due out next year:

(UPDATE: The new book, EXTRAORDINARY, will be out in November!)

New Interview with Authors Unleashed

2010-07-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

This is one my favorite interviews ever, covering everything from food to storage units to The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Sample:
Tell us a little bit about either your latest or upcoming release. If you could only tell your readers one thing about the story that had to convince us to buy the book, what would it be?

I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT is a satire on the paranormal romance genre. If you can’t stand TWILIGHT, you’ll love it. But even if you LOVE TWILIGHT, you might still dig this one. My job as a satirist is pretty much to job onto a bandwagon and stick a Garfield doll in the window, but I also have to be able to drive the thing. I wanted that book to be simultaneously hilarious and genuinely, heart-breakingly romantic (this is life as I know it).

Full Inteview

New book announced!

2010-06-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

adamselzer.com has announced a new book set in the same world as I KISSED A ZOMBIE! The book will take place a few years after the events of ZOMBIE; during those few years, vampires have moved to Des Moines in droves, lured to the city by the promise of jobs in the insurance industry (which really suits the dead). In the as-yet-untitled book, a girl named Emily Newport will just DIE if she doesn't go to prom - literally. Her fairy godmother (a short, scruffy guy with a gravelly voice who wears a tattered overcoat and a fedora) is sort of a jerk.

Keep following adamselzer.com for more info!

Vampires and Zombies in Iowa

2010-06-14T04:32:00.000-07:00

Controversial blogger Clyde Baxter looks back on the three years since zombies, vampires and other "post humans" became open members of society - a good explanation of how vampires and zombies work in the book. Complete with obnoxious anonymous comments!:

Click the picture to see the whole thing:

Disney Options I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT

2010-05-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

The movie rights to I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT have been optioned for a Disney Channel Original Movie. This doesn't mean that there's definitely going to be a movie, but they've secured the rights to make one if they want to! Let the world zombie takeover continue!

I'll keep you posted with more info here (and, especially, on the facebook "fan" page)- there will also be some new interviews posted soon.

New Interview

2010-05-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

Interview with Kris and Voracious YAppetite about Zombie, my upcoming books, American Idol, and, for the first time, the mullet I had in high school.

Page from a teen magazine about undead boyfriends...

2010-05-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

Click for the full-sized page:

Don't Become a Vampire or Zombie!

2010-05-02T08:40:00.001-07:00

Teenagers (or "teens") who think becoming a vampire or zombie is "hot" is the greatest challenge facing our nation today (except for maybe flag burning and killer bees). If you have any experience with this important issue, please come share your story on the wall!

Don't Become a Vampire or Zombie!

Create your Like Badge

New Interview on I Read to Relax

2010-04-10T04:16:00.001-07:00

Interview with Adam Selzer on I Read to Relax

Booklist: "This is one smart goth caper."

2010-03-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

From Booklist

Algonquin Rhodes-Alley the Ice Queen to many and Gonk to her friends-is 18, of legal age to "convert" to vampire if she wants. But she doesn't: Alley's fallen in love with Doug, a zombie teen musician who died four years earlier in a car crash. Selzer brings both the living and the not-full-time-dead to vivid and crackling life in this witty and riposte-filled teen romance. Zingers about racism (vampires don't think much of zombies) and high-school politics involving the nasty "guidance" counselor, the popular kids, and Alley's own (living) friends ring both true and hilarious. This is one smart goth caper,with plenty of appeal to those who normally wouldn't touch a tale of the dead as well as those who wouldn't be caught crumbling while reading a romance. Selzer writes girls as well as straight, gay, and dead boys with evenhanded credibility and plenty of sass. Gonk and Doug could have been the perfect
couple, in another life. - Francisca Goldsmith

Other recent reviews:

Voracious YAppetite: Just as addicting as the song that inspired its name...funny, engaging, heartbreaking, and memorable.

Kinderscares: Very funny, very clever, and unexpectedly sweet.

I Read to Relax: A funny little gem of a book...what I love most was the realism amidst the paranormal horror.

Book Divas: A hilarious novel full of unexpected plot twists and amazingly developed characters.

Voracious YAppetite Review

2010-03-23T03:53:00.000-07:00

I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It is a hilarious parody of the current paranormal literary trend with a dash of social commentary, but it is also an earnest coming-of-age story that deals with the struggles of adolescence and the beauty of first love...This book is a short read at only 177 pages, but it’s funny, engaging, heartbreaking, and memorable...just as addicting as the song that inspired its name.

Full Review

Back in the Idaho Press!

2010-02-18T16:34:00.000-08:00

Some of you might remember that a few months back, someone tried to get one of my books banned from a library in Idaho - and it was a slow enough news week in Boise that it made every news outlet out there. Well, I'm back in the Idaho press, but this time they just want to say
Zombie Satire a Great Read

Book Pleasures Review

2010-02-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

The sarcasm and wit in every sentence of this book is truly remarkable...a truly great comic ride.

Full review by Amy Lignor of bookpleasures.com

Possible Follow-Up Titles:

2010-02-12T04:41:00.000-08:00

I Kissed a Vampire and it Sucked
I Kissed a Werewolf And Got Hairballs
I Kissed a Mummy and Now I Need a Tissue
I Kissed an Alien and it was Nothing to Phone Home About
I Kissed a Demon and it was Heavenly
I Kissed a Frankenstein and Went to Pieces
I Kissed a Witch and Now I Feel a Burning Sensation, Doctor.
I Kissed a Headless Horseman And You'll Never Guess WHERE
I Kissed an Angel But It Doesn't Mean What You Think, Okay?
I Kissed a Fairy and If Anyone Says Anything Snarky, I'll Punch 'Em
I Kissed Vincent Price And Oh My God I'm So Confused
I Kissed Another Vampire and I'm Kinda Starting to Feel Cheap

Just kidding...probably

Cover Photo Shoot Outtakes

2010-02-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

Here's a cool find:

The Original Photos From the Shoot where the cover shot was taken. Zombie not included. This should also clear up the rumor that Emma Watson was the girl on the cover.

Thanks to Michelle the Book Junkie for pointing this out.

The Undercover Book Lover Review

2010-02-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

Written with an addictive, funny prose, I Kissed a Zombie and I Liked It is a fun, crazy, parody. And in irony to that, it has deep messages that interconnect with our lives today. It's a whole blend of comedy, cleverness, and paranormal!

full review

New Event: 3/14 in Chicago

2010-02-04T08:51:00.001-08:00

On Sunday, March 14, 57th Street books in Chicago will be hosting a Paranormal Fiction discussion between me and Carrie Ryan, author of The Forest of Hands and Teeth, followed by a Q&A and signings. 4pm, free!

March 14
4pm
57th Street Books
1301 E 57th St (that's in Hyde Park - very cool, safe neighborhood)
Chicago, IL 60637
(773) 684-1300

Books That Bite review

2010-02-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

"This is the best fun I've seen poked at teen paranormal romance ever... it was refreshing to read about a female protagonist that can be in love, but still see the flaws in her boyfriend."

Full review (minor spoilers)

It's a very interesting thing: I think that in any OTHER year everyone who saw the title and cover would realize right away that it's a satire (or at least that it's a comedy), but this year, with SO much paranormal romance on the shelves, a great many readers who see the ads or see the book in stores don't seem to realize that this isn't just another one of those! Strange!

I Learned it From Watching You!

2010-01-20T05:25:00.000-08:00

Here's another public service announcement - this one features help from Claudia Gray, author of the Evernight series! There's a special message from both of us at the end.

The Soundtrack Is Ready!

2010-01-12T16:32:00.000-08:00

As promised, the "soundtrack" Ep of songs "from an inspired by" the book is now ready - and you can download it fee.

Check it all out on The Soundtrack Page. Full tracklists and lyric links are there!

Rounding out the soundtrack are two late additions: "Some Girls," by the awesome urban fantasist Seanan McGuire, who also writes zombie books under the name Mira Grant, and a rocking song by the great rock journalist Peter Stone Brown

Think of the Children!

2010-01-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

Another couple may be on their way, but this is the last one I have made. Four days til the book is out!

New Video!

2010-01-01T19:53:00.001-08:00

First of several new videos coming this month!

See All Videos

Just to Prove My Zombie Cred...

2009-12-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

In the days when I was more active in the ghost tour biz, my company would run a zombie event every now and then - we'd drive around in a bus crashing parties and messing with people on the streets of Chicago! One year we even had a snowball fight on Lake Shore Drive during a traffic jam while the New Year's Eve fireworks at Navy Pier went off.

On several occasions I've been Zombie Flanders - this was in 2007:

Here's a group shot from 2008 - I'm in the "Zombie Nighthawks at the Diner-Era Tom Waits" gear at the front. In the back row, you might recognize several of the zombies from the videos! Zombie Ken from the videos is probably the guy who took the picture.

Adam Selzer on "I Kissed a Zombie and I Liked It"

2009-12-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

This interview is kind of cheating, in that the interview was a member of the Smart Aleck Staff. For some other interviews about the book (real ones, even), try:
Star Shadow: Author Spotlight
Three Silly Chicks
Voracious YAppetite

Staff: Where did the idea for this book come from?

Adam: Long story! Back in high school I ran a webpage for a band called Stiffs Inc - nowadays we'd probably call them steampunk, but back then they were just a Victorian-flavored punk band that was sort of an offshoot of the New York goth scene. One of the friends I made through the site sent me a demo tape of a guy called Voltaire who was doing funny goth songs (and went on to be very successful). I loved it so much I tried to write a song like his and ended up with this song called I Thought She Was a Goth. I never got good enough at music to make a career of it myself, but that song got around a bit, and last year my editor asked if I'd turn that song into a book!

Did you worry that no one would believe that a girl would not notice her boyfriend was a zombie?

Oh, sure. I thought "that's okay for a song, but how could she not know? Is she stupid?" I really wanted her to be smart. I don't like writing books about stupid people. So the way it works is that Doug, the zombie, wasn't dead long enough to decompose much before he became a zombie. He just looks about like a pale guy who has some weird health issues - plenty of other goths in town look more dead than he is. There are plenty of clues that ought to tip Alley off, but you can ignore a lot of things about someone you like. And that becomes a theme of the book - obviously you have to overlook flaws in any boyfriend or girlfriend, but where you do draw the line? At finding out they're dead? At having to die yourself?

How did you come up with a character like Alley?

Alley is sort of what I imagine the writer Dorothy Parker might have been like as a teenager in the 21st century. Her full name is Algonquin, which is a reference to the Algonquin Round Table, where Parker and a bunch of other smartass writers had lunch just about every day of the 1920s. A lot of the writers at the round table had newspaper and magazine columns where they printed all of the zingers they threw at each other, and they sort of became famous for being snarky. I've had the idea to put the Algonquin Round Table into a high school cafeteria kicking around in my head for a while - people who are familiar with that bit of history will catch a lot of references in this book.

So that's why Alley sometimes seems like a real %^& early in the book?

Sure. It's sort of a redemption story. I mean, Alley is very smug early in the book, and only partly as a defense mechanism against being desperately lonely. The story is about how Alley the Ice Queen, who makes out with guys just to blow off steam, or even just so she can make fun of them later, learns to open herself up to love and happiness. She's kind of afraid of that sort of thing in the beginning of the book.

Are you trying to make fun of Twilight in this book?
Nah. I DID want to satirize the zombie/vampire genre a bit, though. I'm a little nervous that people will think I'm trying to start some kind of feud with Stephanie Meyer. Anything people notice outside of the one line in the graveyard ("I've never given much thought to how I would die, but I'm pretty sure I never imagined I'd die of being torn apart by a zombie who looks like a lumberjack in a paper towel commercial") is just a coincidence. People who didn't like Twilight might like this one a little better, since it IS sort of a satire of paranormal romance, but I'm hoping the people who DO like it will dig this one, too, as long as they have a sense of humor. Of course, I know from experience that some people don't! Tom Lehrer once said that you can't do satire without offending someone. About 10 years ago I did a song that said Axl Rose would be a rock legend if he had died in 1994, and it spread around a lot on Napster. Boy, did I get angry letters about that song! It wasn't exactly anti- Guns n Roses, by any means, but if people want to get offended, they WILL. I understand that. And Twilight is a whole lot bigger now than Axl was ten years ago. I imagine a lot of Twilight fans will get pissed off and stop reading at page 20 or 30. But the people who think Twilight sucks (and there are plenty of them) will love it. I'll just lean on my good reviews in the trades when the Twi-hard tell me how awful I am, I guess.

So, while you've refrained from criticizing Twilight, you've been known to say that its effect on YA literature has been a negative one. Them's fightin' words. If a feud with Meyer DOES start, what will you do to settle it?

Wrestling match, I guess. How else do you settle a feud? Look, a few years ago there was a market for YA books aimed at boys and for YA books aimed at smart kids. Now it's just books catering to Twilight fans. It's not exactly good business to piss Twilight fans off these days, since they're driving the market so much, but I don't like the idea that every book has to cater to them.

Is it true you had to write it in, like, two weeks?

When they asked me to write the book, they asked if I could have a draft ready in a month. So, sort of. I did the first draft in two weeks so I could have a couple more weeks to revise it before I turned it in. First revisions generally improve the first draft as much as the first draft improved the blank sheets of paper. But that first draft had a lot of parts that just said "insert zombie chase here" or "second date scene here," so it's not like the book was ready to roll in two weeks. And I'd been working on Alley as a character in my head for a long time - since long before I knew she'd ever deal with zombies!

Like many of your books, I KISSED A ZOMBIE is set in a fictional town called Cornersville Trace, but now, for the first time, you mention that it's a suburb of Des Moines. Which places in the book are real?

Snookie's Malt Shop is a real place; I went there right after I finished the draft. So is the Science Center, and the Playhouse. The Noire Cafe is sort of based on a place that USED to be there called The Chat Noire. I think it's an Italian restaurant now, but if goth had become the style of the decade, like it did in the book, it might have evolved differently. I miss Des Moines sometimes. I love Chicago, but I've never stopped feeling like an Iowan. Cornersville Trace is in between the suburbs of Urbandale and Clive.

(after looking on a map) The only thing between Urbandale and Clive is Hickman Avenue

Uh, Hickman is bigger on the inside.

Anyway, the book is hilarious, but it's probably your saddest book.

A couple of TV writers I admire (Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi) once said that they wanted one of their shows, The Adventures of Pete and Pete, to be "funny, sad, strange and beautiful, with a sense of ragged glory." I want ALL of my work to be like that. I think the original idea for this was to make it mainly funny and strange, but I realized early on that it HAD to be heart-breakingly sad. I mean, Alley falls in love with a guy, then finds out that he's dead! I could only play that for laughs if I hated Alley's guts and enjoyed making her suffer.

It's also probably your most realistic book, except for all the zombies and vampires.

Do you ever watch Glee? It takes place in a version of Ohio that's about one step beyond reality. That's the sort of vibe I usually like my books to have - one step past reality. This time the fact that there were zombies and vampires roaming around made it a bit unrealistic off the bat, so I decided to make the rest of it as realistic as I could. My big influence here was E.T.It's got an alien in it, but the way the characters act and relate to each other is about as realistic as movies get. So, I decided to make vampires and zombie scientific phenomena, not supernatural creatures, and tried to imagine what the world would be like a few years after everyone found out they were real. A handful of people who became vampires as teenagers stay in high school (because they're douchebags - believe me, only a douchebag would want to stay in high school at the age of 150). Teenage girls find vampires irresistible, so every guy goes goth and Hot Topic becomes an anchor store at most malls. But other than that, life just goes on the way it always does after some major revelation or change.

Making the smart kids seem less dorky is sort of a running theme in your books, isn't it?

There are sooo many YA books and TV shows and movies where the "gifted kids" are either hackers who are obsessed wth anime or dorks who tuck their shirts into their underwear and constantly scheme to make the popular kids like them. At MY school, the gifted kids were a bunch of miscreants who read from the adult section at the library. And I sure never knew any of them to try to become more popular.

One last question - is Mrs. Smollett, who also appeared in your first two books really a vampire?

It would certainly explain a lot, eh? The fact that she's from the Victorian era goes a long way towards explaining why she is the way she is. She is (a vampire) in this book, but this book exists in a different version of the world. There are no vampires in Leon or Andrew's versions of Cornersville Trace.... well, probably not, anyway. Maybe I should do a book of Leon in high school, two years after the vampires went public! I'll call it...Are You There, Satan? It's Me, Leon

Kirkus Review

2009-12-23T18:22:00.001-08:00

Kikus is (was) known as the toughest of all reviewers - even when they seem to like a book, they don't seem to want to admit it. That's why I was thrilled to get this:

Selzer, Adam
I KISSED A ZOMBIE, AND I LIKED IT

Ever since the post-humans (werewolves, vampires and zombies) revealed themselves to humans, high school for Alley has been a real drag. The guys are now all goth, and the girls are necrosexual, obsessed with vampires. Alley can't bear the post-human crowd; she doesn't understand why all the girls in school find it so dreamy to have a guy who's "crazy strong, but not strong enough to stay away from her." Then Alley falls for the fabulous musician Doug. Doug's a little pale, like all the goths in school, and maybe he smells a little funny, but she adores him and his killer taste in music. When Doug turns out to be a zombie, Alley has to overcome her prejudices to be with the man of her dreams. Simultaneously a scathing parody of the paranormal-romance genre and a sweetly romantic paranormal love story in its own right, Alley and Doug's courtship will even appeal to Twilight fans-at least, to those Twilight fans with a sense of humor about the object of their affections. Hilarious. (Fantasy. 12-14)

School Library Journal Review!

2009-12-23T18:22:00.000-08:00

On the same day they published a rave for The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History, they published this:

SELZER, Adam. I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It. 192p. Delacorte. Jan. 2010. PLB $12.99. ISBN 978-0-385-90497-1; pap. $7.99. ISBN 978-0-385-73503-2. LC number unavailable. Gr 7 Up–

For 18-year-old Algonquin “Alley” Rhodes, living in an era in which vampires, werewolves, and zombies are the norm is not what it’s cracked up to be. Unlike most human girls at her high school, dating, especially the undead variety, is the last thing on her mind. Alley just wants to leave Cornersville Trace, go to college, and make something of herself. But then, while critiquing a local band for the school newspaper, Alley the Ice Queen falls head over heels for the guest singer. Like Alley, Doug truly loves music, and she feels as if he is singing just for her. They begin dating, and Alley overlooks what is obvious to everyone else. Doug isn’t just a Goth–he isn’t even human–he’s a zombie. As Alley’s world is turned upside down, she must make decisions with major ramifications for her future. The story is original, funny, unpredictable, romantic, and tragic. Selzer explores some basic teen issues like love, friendship, acceptance, commitment, and loss in a way that is realistic and that will make readers question their own values. An excellent addition to libraries with an occult following.

–Donna Rosenblum, Floral Park Memorial High School, NY

Publisher's Weekly Review

2009-12-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It Adam Selzer. Delacorte, $7.99 paper (192p) ISBN 978-0-385-73503-2

Selzer (Andrew North Blows Up the World) takes a delightfully wicked but thoughtful poke at teenage infatuations, vampire groupies, and pretentious goths. It's been years since “post-human” vampires, werewolves, and other undead creatures came “out of the coffin” to protest Megamart's exploitation of zombies as stockroom workers. But 18-year-old Alley Rhodes can't help rolling her eyes at her classmates' continuing obsession (“teenage vampires are a pain in the ass—they never actually mature... but dating one has become the ultimate status symbol”). Then moody singer Doug catches her heart, and she's soon reconsidering her plan to flee Iowa for college in Seattle. She loves his authentic goth look (pale skin, unkempt hair, “moth-eaten suit”), but she's forgotten the first rule of modern dating—Google him. Doug died four years ago, and he's still wearing the suit he was buried in. Now all of her preconceptions are out the window and she has critical decisions to make. With snappy dialogue and a light, funny touch, Selzer creates a readable examination of love, self-sacrifice, and where to draw the line before you lose yourself. Ages 12–up. (Jan.)

Official Trailer!

2009-12-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

The song "I Thought She Was a Goth" is available on the book soundtrack - free!

(Come on. You didn't really think we expected you to pay for music, did you?)

Songs From and Inspired by I Kissed a Zombie and I Liked It

2009-12-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

Pay for music? What is this, the 90s? The I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT soundtrack EP is free!
Right Click Here to Download All Songs as a Zip File (34mb)
or stream and download individual songs below:

TRACK DETAILS:

1. I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOTH
Performed by Vixy Dockrey
Words and Music copyright 2000 by Adam Selzer, all rights reserved, ASCAP
Written back in 2000, the book was loosely based on this song. lyrics.

Get Vixy and Tony's album 13 on

or CDBaby

2. I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU (by Cole Porter)
Performed by The Broken Chimneys
This is the song Doug sings at The Cage - musically, this is about what he's TRYING to make it sound like, though the Sorry Marios aren't up to the task. Doug sings it better than this, though :)

3. Some Girls
By Seanan McGuire
The sexiest song ever written about zombies! Check out the Lyrics!

Get Seanan's album, Red Roses and Dead Things (which, like this soundtrack, also features Vixy Dockrey), and her books!

SEANAN MCGUIRE.COM

4. YOU DIDN'T KNOW
by Peter Stone Brown, one of Alley's favorite rock writers. LYRICS

5. St. JAMES INFIRMARY ZOMBIE SLUSHEE BLUES
Performed by Mary Crowell, the Mad Doctor of Alabama
"St. James Infirmary Blues" is a traditional jazz song, these extra lyrics are by Scapegoat 94

Get Mary's album, Courting My Muse,
on:

6. THE RADIO IS HAUNTED
Performed by The Broken Chimneys
A couple of parts of the book were based on this song, too. Check out The Broken Chimneys album!

Lyrics

ALL RECORDINGS USED BY PERMISSION

The Zombies In Your Neighborhood

2009-12-22T18:17:00.001-08:00

Ghost tour guide Ken Melvoin-Berg was murdered on the job by a rival. Now, as a zombie, he looks for his OWN ghost on the tours!

Zombie PSA #1

2009-12-22T17:57:00.001-08:00

Feel free to make your own and send a link to the staffATsmartalecksguide.com!

Other Songs Mentioned In the Book *

2009-12-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

Leonard Cohen: Anthem

Tom Waits: San Diego Serenade

Get the song on

* - we are not associated with these artists and are not hosting these songs on the site ourselves

Songs That Inspired the Book: "Blow" by Lincoln

2009-12-21T07:10:00.000-08:00

I really wanted to get a version of this onto the soundtrack:

"Just remember what the biker chick said:
that you're really alive when you wish you were dead."

Zombies, Vampires and You

2009-12-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

The pamphlet Alley reads in the book:

2009-12-20T16:19:00.000-08:00

Soundtrack Lyrics: I Thought He Was a Goth

2009-12-20T15:33:00.000-08:00

(originally recorded as "I Thought She Was a Goth," slightly rewritten for the book)

I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOTH

Well he came to take me out for a lovely night on the town
picked me up at seven I was dressed in a black velvet gown
thought I'd compliment him right at the start o the date
I said "you look like a corpse who just crawled out of the grave."
and he never said a word, just stared off into space
with unblinking eyes behind a pasty white face

I thought he was a goth, but it turned out he was dead
I thought he was a goth, but it turned out he was dead
I thought he was just a goth, but he'd been dead all along

The first date went well, and so did the second and third
I thought he really liked me, even though he barely said a word
he only had one suit, but goth gear ain't exactly cheap
but then he began to stink and my flesh began to creep
there were lots of little clues that should have tipped me off
but none of that's unusual when you go out with goths!

chorus

And dead people got no reason to live
I said dead people got no reason to live
yes dead people got no
reason
to
live

Soundtrack Lyrics: The Radio is Haunted

2009-12-20T07:05:00.000-08:00

This was written around the same time as "I Thought She Was a Goth." It was supposed to be a "40 years later" sequel to those teenage car crash death songs from the 1950s. The malt shop (as well as some of the sentiment) ended up in the book.

Driving past the neighborhood just a couple blocks away
from the malt shop that's been empty since the Eisenhower days
Purple night the moon is like a nickel in the sky
think I'll park outside the malt shop sit a little while
The radio is playing that song by the Cavaliers
that always makes me feel as though you're whispering in my ear

CHORUS
Haunted
Haunted
The radio is haunted tonight
The radio is haunted tonight

we were driving around this old town just cause we were bored
the last night we were together in my old 47 Ford
I tried to sing like Ricky Nelson you just rolled your eyes
and then you kissed me on the cheek and said "you aren't like other guys"
Now I think about us all the time, about those malt shop days
dancing to the very same Frankie song the radio just played

CHORUS

The Johnnie song they played the first time we kissed
that Bobby song that always made me feel like this
"Earth Angel," "Blue Moon," and "Volare"
all these damned songs that remind me of the way
I loved you in the Springtime, I loved you in July
I loved you in December when the snow was two feet high
I loved you wearing black and I loved you in white
I loved you forty years ago and I still love you tonight
Thinking about the way that we used to hold hands
Listening to the radio the first time we danced

CHORUS

Copyright 2001 by Adam Selzer, all rights reserved. ASCAP.

Soundtrack Lyrics: St. James Infirmary Zombie Slushee Blues

2009-12-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

by Adam Selzer / Tanner Strutzenberg

(tune of St James Infirmary)

I went down to st james infirmary saw my baby there
all dragged out on the table so sweet, so cold, so fair

let her go, let her go, god bless her wherever she may be
she can search this wild world over and never find another man like me

But then my baby sat up and opened her eyes again
she sat there the gurney, and said she wanted my brrrraaaiiin

I gave her my heart and soul, and now she wanted more
I ran to Hernando's Hideway, left an Adam-shaped hole in the door

And who sitting at the bar but Solomon Grundy
he was hiding with Herndano. Who else was there? Wilford Brimley!

They were both drinking slushees - Wilford's was oatmeal flavor, you know
while my zombie baby beat away at the window

I got myself a great idea, as I looked at the slushees
zombies only want fresh brains, so I gave myself brain freeze

I should have known that was too easy, in fact it was a snap
but Wilford had been dead for years - he was a zombie, and I'd just walked into his trap

Wilford Brimley ate my brains, now I'm a zombie, too
and if I seem a little bit brainless, it's the st james infirmary blues

let me go, let me go, god bless me, wherever I may be
I will search this wild world over for a brain-flavored slushee!.

Soundtrack Lyrics: You Didn't Know

2009-12-20T06:56:00.000-08:00

Lyrics to a song from the soundtrack that, when it first surfaced, was rumored to be a lost Bob Dylan song from the 80s sessions with Mark Knopfler. It's actually by Peter Stone Brown, one of Alley's favorite rock journalists.

You didn't know I knew the secrets of the streets we walked
You didn't know I was the target of the words we talked
Oh oh, you didn't know

Masquerading orphan of the childless night
Embracing deadly visions filled with tears, chilled by fright
Oh oh, you didn't know

You didn't know I was the suspect of the crimes you denied
You didn't know that I was guilty of the sins you implied
You didn't know I stood convicted before I was tried
I was tried

I guess there's just no refuge from the place that I must go
Just a lot of empty space to store the pain that I can t show
Oh oh, you didn't know

You didn't know I knew the places where the anguished hide
You didn't know to stop the joke because I took your side
Oh oh, you didn't know

Will I survive to make it to the morning light
Will I be rescued from the shadows of this endless plight
Will I find out at the crossing that the end is now in sight
End in sight

You didn't know I knew the secrets of the streets we walked
You didn't know I was the target of the words we talked

I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT: Chapter 1-3

2009-12-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

THIS PAGE IS BASED ON THE MANUSCRIPT - TEXT MAY NOT MATCH FINAL COPY EXACTLY

I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT!
by Adam Selzer

CHAPTER ONE

Watching a vampire make out with an idiot is kind of like going to the farmers' market and noticing just how many farmers have lost fingers in on-the-job accidents. Even though it's kind of disturbing, it's impossible to look away.

Right now, two lunch tables over from mine, Fred (a vampire) is making out with Michelle (an idiot). And everyone in the cafeteria is watching the show.

"My God," says my friend Trinity. "It's like he thinks her head is a Tootsie Pop."

"Keep watching," I say. "Maybe we can finally find out how many licks it takes to get to the candy center."

I'm not just being my usual, devastatingly witty self here. I actually think that the only thing between Michelle's ears might be some sort of chewy candy.

"I've lost count already," says Peter. "He must be about halfway through her skin by now. You'd think he'd just bite her and get it over with. That's what I always do with Tootsie Pops."

"They don't really bite people," says Sadie. "Not anymore."

"So what does he have to do to make her into a vampire?" asks Peter.

"It's a secret, but it's probably nothing he can do in a high school cafeteria," says Sadie.

They're already doing several things they aren't supposed do in a high school cafeteria, but the lunch room monitors are all too chicken to tell a vampire to knock it off, even though everyone knows they're not really dangerous by now.

It was quite a scandal a few years back when it turned out that Megamart was bringing corpses back to life to work as zombie slaves in their stock rooms. When word got out, all of the OTHER post-humans (vampires, werewolves and all the undead types that turned out to have been living among us for centuries) got really offended and decided to "come out of the coffin" to lobby congress to close all the loopholes that let Megamart get away with that.

There was wall to wall coverage of the "vampire revelation" in the media for months. Every news station had a stories like "How the Vampire Invasion is Threatening Your Family" and "How to Protect Your Newborn from Werewolves." But after a while, everyone figured out that nothing had really changed --- vampires and stuff have always around. Now, we just know about it. And they aren't nearly as scary as they'd been made out to be; they're a lot faster and stronger than regular people, and they're apparently more-or-less immortal, but they don't really drink blood anymore (there's some kind of vegetable compound that's more satisfying and easier to get) and they don't get their "powers" from anything supernatural (it's something to do with protein mutation or something. I forget). Vampires, werewolves, ghosts and zombies turned out to be regular scientific phenomena, and life went pretty much back to normal.

The teenage vampires are a pain in the ass (they never actually mature, no matter how old they get, since their pituitary glands are sort of frozen in time), but dating one has become the ultimate status symbol. Most girls in school dream of having a loser like Fred fall in love with them and turn them into a vampire. I guess living in Iowa does make life as a corpse seem exciting.

"Dead people have no reason to live," I say. "Shouldn't we have stopped thinking vampires were awesome when we found out they spend most of their time acting all emo?"

"You're just jealous, Alley," says Marie. "Can you honestly tell me that if some guy rose from the grave and spent a hundred lonely years looking for just the right person, then fell for you, you wouldn't think that was totally romantic?"

"I'd think he was a stalker," I say.

"It's true love!" says Marie.

"Get real," says Sadie. "It's hot, but it's just lust. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Sadie is my oldest friend. She kind of falls for the whole "vampire" thing, but at least she's realistic. She likes dead guys, just like every other girl in school, but Marie loves them. She isn't even interested in dating living guys. She's, like, necrosexual.

"You guys are just prejudiced," says Marie. "I would kill to date a vampire. I mean, he's crazy strong, but not strong enough to stay away from her. How romantic can you get?"

"Right," says Peter. "I think that's on page one of How to Get Teenage Girls to Fall in Love With You."

"And her parents probably think he's a monster, but she truly understands him," I chime in.

"See?" asks Peter. "Textbook."

Everyone at my table is on the staff of the school paper. Trinity Pearl, who sits to my right, is the editor in chief. She's wearing a formal ball gown (she's into tango) covered in safety pins (she's also into punk). Next to her is Peter Woolcott, the most transparently gay teenager in the greater Des Moines area. On the other side of him is Marie Beecher, the necrosexual fashion editor who doubles as our pet idiot, then Ryan Dearborn the film critic, then Sadie, who covers local news (she drew the short straw). Peter's gossip column, "No Siree," is really just a report of all the witty things we say at lunch (and, occasionally, the dumb things Marie says. She's a little dim, but we love her anyway). Our skill at making fun of things has made our table sort of famous; around school, they call us The Vicious Circle.

Two tables over, Michelle is making noises that sound like they're coming from a wounded animal and saying "Oh, Friedrich, Friedrich" loudly enough to make sure we all hear her. It's kind of annoying. I mean, if you so much as hold hands with someone who isn't a vampire, you get detention for public display of affection. It's a total double standard.

"God, if I ever get like that, just drive a stake through my heart or something, okay?" I ask.

"No danger of that," says Peter. "Eight days til prom and you've still never had a second date?"

"Who needs a second one when you get everything you want on the first?" I ask. And I give him my most self-satisfied smirk.

It's not that I'm inexperienced; I've made out with plenty of guys. But I just make out with them, send them on their way, and then make fun of them without naming names later on. It's not very nice, I know, but guys know what they're getting into when they make out with Alley Rhodes, the Ice Queen of the Vicious Circle.

A lot of people think I hate guys or something. I don't, really; I just hate the idea of getting stuck in this town, so I don't have any desire to get involved with a guy who lives here. And it's not that I don't want to go to the prom, but there's only a month til graduation, and three months til I'm outta here altogether. No point complicating things by having a big, expensive date. I'm just going to go with Sadie and make fun of everyone else.

"Doesn't anyone remember what a loser Fred was before people knew he was a vampire?" Peter asks, as Fred slides his hand up Michelle's leg under the table. I swear I see Fred glance around to make sure people are watching.

"He was my lab partner for a while," Trinity says. "He'd act like a jerk half the time, and mope around the rest."

"Yeah," I say. "I didn't think it was possible, but the guy is both a wiener and a dick."

"Yeah," says Trinity. "Kind of cocky, too."
Peter scribbles that down for his column.

When I was a freshman, back when everyone except a handful of conspiracy theorists thought vampires were just fictional characters, our cafeteria was like any other. There was the jock table, the prep table, the drama table, the band geek table, and a table full of kids who were into role-playing games. But now it's just one goth table after another. When the guys saw how the girls just melted over the vampires, they all started trying to be goths. It makes our yearbooks really depressing. Looking across the cafeteria today, there're so many people in black that you'd think Cornersville Trace High School was a Transylvanian biker bar or something. But we're just another school in the post-human era.

That's what we're living in, by the way, according to all the news blogs. The early Post Human era. I suppose that it beats living in the Disco era.

But as for me, I'm only into one dead guy: Cole Porter, the greatest songwriter who ever lived. He wrote showtunes like "I Get a Kick Out Of You," "It's De-Lovely" and "I've Got You Under My Skin" back in the 1930s, when guys really had style. I'd totally have his babies if he wasn't dead and gay and staying both ways, as far as I know. I sang his song "Love For Sale" at a talent show when I was six. I lost, but at least I lost with style.

"Uh oh," says Marie. "Show's over. Here comes Smollet."

Mrs. Smollet, the guidance counselor, wanders up, making a face like she's sucking on about nine lemons, and taps Fred on the shoulder. She can deal with him better than the other teachers, since she's a vampire herself.
Fred pulls his hand up from under the table and he and Michelle straighten themselves out. Most girls would probably blush if they found out that everyone, including a teacher, had been watching her getting felt up, but Michelle just looks around proudly, soaking up the jealous glares.

Mrs. Smollet is one of those guidance counselors who go on and on about abstinence and "old fashioned values." I was shocked when it turned out she was a vampire, but I guess it makes sense, if you think about it. Women in the Victorian era, when she grew up, couldn't even say the word "toes" out loud without blushing unless they were hookers, so it's no wonder that she gets freaked out by anything remotely related to sex. She was the one who made the school change the name of my music column from "Going Down a Dark Alley," which she thought was "too suggestive and urban," to "On the Beat with Alley Rhodes." Lame.

"Okay," says Trinity. "Now that the show's over, we have stuff to cover. Peter, do you have your column ready?"

"Almost," he answers. "I just need to throw in Alley's line about someone being both a wiener and a dick at the same time, and her thing about dead people having no reason to live."

I smile proudly. Two in one column! None of us want to admit that we don't make up our one-liners on the spot, but I've been waiting to use that "dead people have no reason to live" line for days.

"And Alley," Trinity continues, "I hate to tell you this. . . but you're going to have to cover The Sorry Marios tonight."

"I knew it," I say with a groan.

"It's big news," says Trinity. "They just hired Will to play drums."

The Sorry Marios are a bad local band featuring Nat Watson, the star of the basketball team, as lead singer and guitarist. Nat's not a bad guy, but he is a bad singer. And Will is one of the other vampires in school. He's an even bigger jerk than Fred.

"I understand," I say. "But I'm not happy about it. They suck."

"Maybe they'll be better with a vampire on drums," says Sadie. "Aren't vampires, like, musically gifted?"

"Some are," says Marie.

"It'll take more than that to get them not to suck," I say.

"Well, skewer them if you have to," says Trinity, "just make it funny. It's not like you aren't at the Cage every other Friday night, anyway."

"Anyone want to go with me?" I ask.

"I'm going with a bunch of other people," says Marie. "Will doesn't have a prom date yet."

Marie goes to every event in town that might have a post-human present. If she thought a vampire would be there, she'd go to the opening of an applesauce jar.

"I'll go with you," says Sadie. "Are you getting in without paying the cover?"

I look up at Trinity.

"You took care of that, right?"

She nods. "You and a guest are on the list, and you get free pizza. Eddie promised me."

Another sigh. "Somehow, the idea of free pizza at The Cage doesn't make this sound any easier."

"Live with it," said Trinity. "And bring your laptop with you. I'll need your review by nine tonight."

"Fine," I say.

We're still called the "newspaper" staff, even though the whole thing was moved online last year. It's just a blog, really. But we still have deadlines and stuff.

I'm already writing the review in my head. Maybe I'll open by saying "The Sorry Marios should really be called The Sorry Excuse for a Band." Or maybe "There's never been a â€˜scene' here. No one talks about â€˜The Des Moines Sound.' And on the basis of the Sorry Marios, I suppose it's just as well."

Suburban Des Moines isn't really all that bad, honestly. I've been to worse places. Like Nebraska.

But once I graduate, all that's going to be left of me here will be an Alley-shaped hole in the door, and a collection of witty zingers that will stay online and make me and my friends legends in Cornersville Trace for years to come.

The pool of datable guys is sure to be much larger in Seattle, where I'm going to college.

I'll only have to be this lonely for a few more months.

CHAPTER TWO

I think it's kind of cool when people have names that they can easily change. Like, if a girl named Jennifer gets tired of being herself, she can start going by Jenny or Jen and turn herself into a whole different person.

I actually have about five variations to choose from:

1. Algonquin. This is my real name, believe it or not. My mom gave it to me because I'm, like, 1/64th Native American, and she thought it would be really "empowering" for me to have a name that reflected my 1/64th share of heritage. She's really into things that are empowering.

2. Alley. This is what most people call me. It's what I put on the top of math worksheets and stuff. Sometimes people try to spell it "Ali," which is okay, but I prefer "Alley." It's very urban, in a way. And, anyway, there are four Alis in the senior class already.

3. Al. Some people call me this. I usually let them, unless they start calling me Weird Al. Then, action is required.

4. Quinn. Another short version of Algonquin, taken off the end instead of the beginning. This one doesn't come up much, but it's nice to know it's there.

5. Gonk. The middle part of Algonquin. Mom thinks this one is empowering, too, because "Gonk" is the noise you hear when a woman beams her abusive husband over the head with a rolling pin.

No one really calls me "Gonk" except Sadie, though. She was the first one ever to use it, back when we first became friends at age nine. We met at Take Your Daughter to Work day, back when my Dad still worked in an insurance office (this was before Mom stated making so much in real estate that Dad could quit to be a house husband and make scrapbooks all day).

Des Moines is the insurance capital of the world (Nebraskans say Omaha is, but they're wrong). A pretty large chunk of the people in my school will probably ending up working in insurance sooner or later. I think Mom's plan in sending me with Dad to Take Your Daughter to work day was for me to find out that insurance was boring and set my sights higher. It worked.

I think Dad is probably about the most popular guy in town among the local women because he's the only guy who hangs out at the scrapbooking store. Only he doesn't make family vacation scrapbooks - he makes music scrapbooks. Like, he has a Rolling Stones scrapbook, and one for Cole Porter that he made for me for my birthday one year and about five of them full of stuff from all the concerts he and Mom have been to over the years. He has great musical taste. I learned all I know from him, and I know a lot. You have to if you want to write a decent music column.

Sadie arrives in her car at seven to go to the Cage, wearing a vaguely goth outfit that I think she borrowed from Trinity (who isn't really a goth, though her ball gowns make her LOOK like she is).

I step into Sadie's car and she pretends to be excited about the show. "Ready to rock?" she asks.

"Yeah," I say. "Shame I have to go hear the Sorry Marios instead."

We drive up 62nd Street, past the mall and onto Cedar Avenue, which was a little empty road to the interstate when I was a kid, but is now full of strip malls.

The Cage, where the band is playing, is the oldest building on the street. Since I was a kid, it's been about six different things. When I was little, it was one of those places where they have video games, jump-in-the-balls pits and singing robotic animals. Then it was a strip club for a while - rumor had it that they kept the jump-in-the-balls pit. That didn't last long, though, and it became a pancake place, but that went under evening a real hurry, because no sane person wanted to eat at a pancake place that used to be a strip club. Now it's The Cage, Cornersville's lone all-ages venue for live rock music.

The inside of the place has the look of any other bar and grill - street signs and goofy crap all over the walls, a digital jukebox, a video game or two. But when the post humans went public and goth became style of the decade, Eddie put up a bunch of fake cobwebs and stuff. It's pretty ridiculous, honestly. It doesn't look like a goth club at all. It just looks like a family restaurant with cheap Halloween decorations.

When Sadie and I arrive, Eddie and the kids from the band are the only people there. Will is setting up his drums and looking around in disgust. I swear that looking around in disgust is one of vampires' actual powers - every vampire I've ever known is an expert at it. Will's not unattractive, really; in fact, he's pretty hot. He's also pretty annoying, though. Even Sadie, who generally likes dead guys, can't stand him.

I ignore the band and head straight for Eddie.

"Hiya, Eddie," I say, shaking his hand like a pro. "Thanks for the hook-up tonight."

Eddied nods, and tilts his head towards a table at the back, where Sadie and I sit down.

Eddie is about fifty and owns three or four businesses in town that always seem to be hanging on by a thread. He's always wearing a straw cowboy hat and chewing on a toothpick, and he usually seems to be stoned. Some nights when there's no show booked, he plays covers of bands like The Eagles and Neil Young on an acoustic guitar for the people who hang around the bar. I've only been there once on those nights, but seeing an old hippie guy singing "Take it Easy" surrounded by fake skulls was too much.

"What are you eating?" he asks us.

"Whatever won't kill me, please," I said.

"Whatever don't kill you'll make you stronger," says Eddie, who is always ready with folksy wisdom.

"All right," I say. "Then give me whatever will make me stronger."

"One pizza, coming up," said Eddie. He doesn't even take the toothpick out of his mouth as he heads for the kitchen.

I pull out my laptop and get to work writing. You can write a pretty good chunk of a concert review before the concert even starts. It's like writing an obituary. All the big newspapers have obituaries written for celebrities years in advance. When Bob Hope (my grandpa's favorite comedian) died, his obituary in the New York Times was written by a guy who'd been dead himself for twenty years, and wasn't even a vampire or anything. He'd written up the obit and just left a few lines for them to fill in whenever Hope actually died. You can do pretty much the same thing with music reviews: just ramble on about the band and the kind of crowd they attract, then add in some details about the show after it starts.

Gradually, more people begin filing in. The bulk of the crowd is made up of girls who are clearly hoping to become Will's One True Love (or at least his prom date). They're walking around flashing smiles that show no cavities and wearing clothes that nearly do show a couple of them. Some of them are wearing skirts that I'm pretty sure were supposed to be belts.

The guys there to pick up the girls who can't catch Will's eye are all dressed in goth gear - even the ones who would clearly be more at home in backwards baseball caps and Abercrombie shirts. Like the girls, they all appear to be drunk already. Every last one of them.

Eddie comes out and put a couple of slices of slimy pizza in front of us, then leans over to me.

"Take it easy on these guys, okay?" he asks. "They're good kids."

"I'm not here to review their behavior," I say.

"You know what I mean," says Eddie. "Be nice."

"Nice doesn't sell papers, Eddie," says Sadie.

Eddie, who probably neither knows nor cares that we didn't HAVE a paper, per se, anymore, just a web site, sighs and walks back to the bar. Sadie and I force the pizza down then head over to the bar ourselves, which is out of the way of the dance floor Eddie has created by moving most of the tables against the wall. The crowd is getting bigger and more annoying around the tables.

Some guy in a fake top hat that he's totally not pulling off comes over to us.

"Hey, cuz," he slurs to me.

He is clearly either drunk or stoned. Probably both.

Most of these guys call everyone "bro" or "cuz," which sounds weird coming out of a guy in goth gear.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Buy you a beer, cuz?" he asks.

"You and what fake ID?" I ask back.

"Did you just hit on her by calling her your cousin?" asks Sadie. "Cause, damn!"

Top Hat Guy (which is a lousy name for him, since there are tons of them there) slinks away. I note that he at least has the decency to seem a bit embarrassed. Sadie and I exchange a "job well done" nod.

"You know who had the best line to use on douchebag guys like that?" asks Sadie. "Tennessee Williams."

Tennessee Williams, the playwright, is Sadie's own "dead gay guy from the 1930s" obsession. Only, she would really date him if he was undead and straight; I'm happy just having Cole Porter be the kind of fantasy crush that can't possibly hurt me or let me down.

"What was it?" I ask.

"Well, one time this drunk came up to him in a bar, whipped his thingie out, and asked him to autograph it. So Tennessee looked down, and said 'well, maybe I could initial it.'"

"Nice!"

They just don't make guys like they did back then anymore.

I order a can of Coke from the bar, and a second later I see a pale hand reach out to open it. It's Will. The vampire.

"Um, hey," I say.

"I thought I would give you a hand," he says with his Eastern European accent as he hands me the open can.

Oh, crap. I'm getting hit on by a dead guy.

"I had it under control," I say.

"I only wished to help," he says.

"Oh, God," says Sadie, with a chuckle. "He thinks you're fruit cup girl!"

Fruit Cup Girl sis two lunch tables away from us - we watched her every day at lunch. Every day, she pretends she can't get her fruit cup open and asks this one guy at her table, who she clearly likes, to open it for her. Peter recorded the whole saga once in No Siree, changing just enough of the details that no one could be sure who it was about. A lot of girls do that kind of trick, after all. I wouldn't dream of it myself. I mean, who wants to date a guy who thinks a girl who can't operate a fruit cup is attractive?

Will looks uncomfortable for a second, like being around for two hundred years hasn't taught him to recognize rejection. I guess not a lot of girls reject him. The whole reason teenage vampires stay in school even when they've been teenagers for a couple of hundred years is to meet girls.

"You are Alley Rhodes, correct?"

"Yeah," I say. "But I don't date people I'm reviewing, so run along, okay?"

Will finally slinks away, looking kind of pissed.

"Wow, Alley!" says Sadie. "You got hit on by a vampire!"

"It was everything I dreamed it would be," I say.

"Maybe he just wanted to sleep with you so you'll give him a good review," says Sadie.

"Can they do that?" I ask. "Sleep with people?"

"From what I heard, they CAN sleep with people, but not without killing them. He'd probably just have to stop at second base or something."

Keeping track of what's true and what isn't about vampires is basically impossible. Like, some of them can read minds and stuff, and some can't, but most of that stuff about being scared of crosses and garlic and sleeping in coffins was invented by writers a hundred and fifty years ago. Garlic sales are still skyrocketing, though.

I'm just finishing my Coke when I notice a guy standing around at the back of the stage. He's pale, with a long, angular face. His dark hair is kind of an elegant mess, and he's wearing a moth-eaten suit. It's a more authentic goth look than most of the guys in the place have.

"Who's that guy?" I ask. "Is he in the band?"

"I don't know," says Sadie. "He's kinda cute."

"Yeah," I say. "Maybe he's managing the band or something."

"Would you give them a good review if he made out with you?"

"Hell no. But he's welcome to find that out the hard way."

And just so you know, it's not like I'm a slut or anything. I don't go around hooking up with every guy I meet at the Cage. But the fact that I try not to date local guys - especially considering I'm about to move - doesn't mean I don't get lonely. Because I do. A lot, honestly. Making fun of idiots who hit on me can kind of help me keep it in check, but even I can't fight hormones that well.

8:30 rolls around and the band is still setting up. A bunch of girls who saw Will save me from the perils of opening my own can of pop wander by and give me dirty looks, and I just grin. Three more months and I'll never have to see a single one of them again. I should make one of those paper chains like kids make before Christmas and tear off one link every day until it's time to go away to Seattle.

"They'd better get started," Sadie says. "Trinity wanted the review by nine, right?"

"I only have a couple lines left to add," I say. "I'll be fine."

Finally, at a quarter til nine, the band starts up, giving me exactly fifteen minutes to write my review.

Nat is a nice guy. I have nothing against him. But his guitar skills are definitely not beyond the "advanced beginner" level. His singing isn't too bad, but when the band joins in behind him, they don't quite play along with him, exactly. It doesn't seem like they're all playing the same song at all. Will, especially, seems like he's playing the wrong song.

The first song turns out to be a slow jam on "Margaritaville," by Jimmy Buffet. The band's goth look is totally wrong for that song. Like, hilariously wrong. And I've never cared much for the song, anyway. It's like, a bar band cliche. Not that anyone minds - no one's paying attention to the music.

Most of them never really listen to music. Practically no one actually does. Even at concerts people pay good money for, instead of a three dollar cover charge, they talk through the whole thing. I feel sorry for them, since none of them understand what it's like to have a song just get into your soul and become your whole world. They don't know what it's like when a song changes your life. They've never felt the way I did the first time I heard the Ramones sing "I Don't Want to Live This Life," and they'll never understand why I cry (in a good way) when I listen to Neutral Milk Hotel. The people in the crowd might recognize a Cole Porter song that's been in a commercial or something, but they wouldn't recognize his name unless they saw the drama department put on "Kiss Me Kate" and bothered to read the program. They may drive nice cars and live in big houses in gated subdivisions named after trees, but these kids are deprived.

"Margaritaville" turns into an extended, incompetent jam that drags on for ten agonizing minutes while I finish my review:

ON THE BEAT WITH ALLEY RHODES:

The SORRY MARIOS at the CAGE

The Sorry Marios, featuring Cornersville Trace High School's own Nat Watson on acoustic guitar and local vampire Wilhelm Tepes on drums, played The Cage on Friday night, opening with an extended jam on "Margaritaville." Did anyone else who was there find it odd to see a teenage band playing a song about margaritas to a room where the only person who could drink legally was Wilhelm? Not that legality mattered; half the people there were drunk when they showed up. Maybe they figured, in a rare show of wisdom, that the music would be a lot easier to sit through if they were loaded.

Seeing a vampire drummer was an exciting prospect, but those who believed vampires had some sort of otherworldly musical talent were surely disappointed. Will could play the drums all right, but he didn't always seem to be playing the right songs. Some people are said to be marching to a different drummer. Well, Will seemed to be drumming to a different marcher.

Nat does have a good voice, though, and plenty of potential - if he gets a new backing band.

For the record, my reviews aren't always this mean. It's like, constructive criticism. If Nat wants to make it as a musician, he needs to know what he needs to work on if he wants to take things to the next level without embarrassing himself, right?

The first song isn't even over when I hit "SEND."

CHAPTER THREE

Once the review is sent, I could get up and leave, but if anyone saw me leave, they'd know I didn't stay for the whole show, which would make me look really unprofessional. I have to stick around for at least half an hour.

I look over at Sadie, who cringes. I cringe back. But then I turn away and force my attention onto the pale goth guy in the moth-eaten suit who's been hanging around the back of the stage. He's actually not bad looking at all. Maybe he could be the kind of guy that I could have some fun with while Dad is at the scrapbooking store. Just looking at him makes me realize it's been a while. Not that hookups make me less lonely in the long run, but they make me less lonely for the afternoon, at least.

Nat steps to the microphone. "All right, everybody," he says. "Thanks for, uh, coming out and supporting us. We'd like to bring up a guy who's sort of a part-time member. This is Doug, from West Des Moines. We used to be in plays together down at the Playhouse. And now he's gonna come sing a couple of songs."

Nat steps away and the pale guy who's been hanging out behind the stage walks up to the mic.

"Thanks," Doug says into the mic. He has an interesting voice, low and breathy, kind of like Leonard Cohen, a really great poet/songwriter who, I'm sure, he's never heard of. No one around here has heard of him, though they at least know his song "Hallelujah" because it was in Shrek and American Idol and every TV drama known to man.

They start playing a basic punk beat (badly, I might add), and Doug the Goth mutters "My story's much too sad to be told, but nearly everything leaves me totally cold" into the mic, then starts singing.

"I get no kick from champagne. . ."

There are certain words we can't use in the school paper, so we made up ridiculous substitutes, like "shlabotnik."

All I can think right now is "Holy shlabotnik."

He's singing "I Get a Kick Out of You." By Cole Porter.

And I can tell from the first line that Doug actually understands the song. He understands that it isn't a happy song, like most people think: it's a miserable song about how your only chance at not being miserable is this one person you have a crush on - and that person doesn't like you back. The way Doug is singing (well, not singing so much as whispering and muttering, like he's in pain) makes it clear that he knows the song really well. His voice isn't a Broadway voice; it's that Tom Waits or Bob Dylan type of voice that may be kind of rough, but it makes it sound like every word he's singing is real.

Yes. I definitely need to take this guy to my room sometime. Soon.

Then, in the second verse, he actually sings the line about cocaine. When Porter first wrote the song for the show Anything Goes, the first line of verse two was "some get a kick from cocaine." But people usually water it down by changing it to "some like that perfume from Spain"(lame). But he sings the real line.

I look over at Sadie with my eyes wide, and she just grins.

After the bridge, he changes one line in the third verse - the line about "I get no kick on a plane." Normally I'd be against rewriting Porter under any circumstance, but I suppose this is fair enough, since no one gets a kick on a plane anymore. I can't quite make out what he sings instead; it sounds like "I get no kick eating brains," but that can't be right.

Whatever it is, I suddenly feel like my heart is beating to the rhythm of the song. That feeling that probably no one else in the room ever gets from music? I've got it. It's like everything else in the world except me, the singer, and the song have just turned into the static between stations on a cheap car radio. I have never felt this way about a singer at the Cage. Not even close.

The song winds to a close and I'm so surprised by what I've just seen that I can't even move. Not until I see a hand waving in front of my face.

"Gonk?" asks Sadie. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sure," I say. "I'm fine."

"That song wasn't half bad, honestly," said Sadie. "Cole Porter, right?"

"Yeah, sure," I say. "It was fine."

"Oh my god!" says Sadie. "Let me see your eyes!"

She steps around and looked into my eyes, then starts laughing. "You're totally smitten!" she sings, teasing me like we're both in kindergarten.

"I am not!" I insist. "I just really like that song. And he did it right, too. Almost nobody does that. I have, like, fifteen versions of it on my ipod, and maybe two of them get it right."

The band starts up again, but it sounds like they aren't all playing the same song. Doug is motioning to them, trying to give them directions. Then he sort of gives up, steps back to the microphone and sings the first line:

"I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel..."

Oh. My. God.

Holy Shlabotnick again.

He does know who Leonard Cohen is. He's singing one of his songs. And even though the band seems to be playing three different songs, none of which are the right one, he's doing a pretty good job.

He gets to a line of the song about getting a certain favor from a girl in a hotel room and all of the douchebag guys in black cheer. They don't know that he's singing about a girl who had been dead a while when the song was written. They don't care.

But as much as I'm almost ashamed to admit it, I'm imagining myself as the girl in the song. Not dead or anything, but, you know. In the hotel room with the singer.

I shake my head and try to get ahold of myself. This is not the way I think! I do not fall for guys like this!

I wander away from our seat and over to a spot by the window, which is all fogged up, and draw a picture of the Seattle skyline in the fog with my finger. It's an easy skyline - just a bunch of normal buildings, plus the space needle. Back in the 1960s Jim Morrison described it as "a 1930s version of 20 years in the future." It still looks like that now. Drawing on the window distracts me for a second, but I can't keep my attention away from Doug the Goth.

Who knew a singer like this could come out of West Des Moines? About the only famous singers from around here are Andy Williams and the guy from Slipknot.

And what in the heck is Doug doing playing in The Sorry Marios? He's working way below his grade level here.

And no one in the room knows it but me.

They don't know a thing about music.

The song ends and Doug says "thanks" into the mic, then stumbles away. The band goes into a really bad Green Day cover, and I wander back over to Sadie.

"That was pretty awesome," I say.

Sadie laughs at me. But before she can lay a brilliant zinger on me, Marie the necrosexual stumbles up to our spot. She's clearly wasted.

"Hey, you guys," she slurs. "I still like vampires and all, but these guys suck!"

I'm snapped back to reality by the look on Marie's face. I've seen it before, back when I was younger and my mom hadn't quite outgrown her party animal teen years.

"Oh, great," I say. "She's about to blow."

"Yeah," says Sadie. "She's in that about-to-barf state. Is there a word for that?"

Marie wobbles a bit. She's not quite there yet, but it's coming.

"Nauseated?"

"No," says Sadie. "Nauseated means you feel like you could barf. Is there a word for when you're about to?"

"Not in English," I say. "It's probably one of those things where there's a Yiddish word for it, but not an English one."

I really should have paid more attention at Jewish summer camp, like Sadie did, instead of focusing all my energy on prank wars and flirting.

"Yeah," says Sadie. "it's probably something like 'verblecht.'"

"That's what she is," I agree. "She's verblecht."

"Yeah," Marie slurs. "Tell Peter that one. I'm verblecht!"

"Let's get her out of here," says Sadie.

I close my laptop, tell Eddie to keep an eye on it, and Sadie and I lead her through the crowd and out into the parking lot. Through the window, I can hear the band slogging their way through the last verse of "Time of Your Life." Nat is singing in a bad key for him. If I was still writing the review, maybe I would say "I felt like giving Nat a chair to stand on so he could have better chance of reaching the high notes."

But then again, even I'm not that big of a jerk. I say stuff like that in my column, and Peter's column, all the time, but at least I don't name names.

Marie ralphs into the bushes while Sadie holds her hair, and I wander back up to look at the band through the window, just on the off chance that Doug is singing again, but when the song ends, Nat announces that they're going to take a short break. While Marie recovers, Sadie comes back over to me.

"Smitten!" says Sadie.

"That guy knows Leonard Cohen and Cole Porter!" I say. "What the hell is he doing in a band like this one?"

"You're past smitten!" says Sadie. "You're versmote!"

I wander back in to pick up my laptop from the bar, and maybe ask Doug his last name. That's all I want to know. I want to Google him and see if he's been in some other band or something. After I know his name, I will walk out of the Cage and go back to just waiting to move to a city with more datable guys. He's probably got a girlfriend anyway. Singers usually do.

But when we get in, all of the girls are crowded around Will on the other side of the room. Doug is sitting right in my chair, in front of my closed laptop.

And all of a sudden, as we get closer to him, I start to get nervous. I have never been nervous around a guy before. What in the hell is wrong with me?

"Hi!" says Sadie to Doug, cheerfully. "We're from the press, and we need some information about you. You live in West Des Moines, right?"

Doug looks at her for a second, then mutters "Sort of. I don't really live there, exactly." At least, I think that's what he says. He talks the way he sings - in a low voice like a whisper. Very quiet.

"Why did you only do two songs?" I ask.

He sort of points at his throat, like he's telling me it hurts. Sadie opens my laptop and pulls up a word processing program. "Just type it," she says.

He starts slowly typing something out. On the one hand, I'm annoyed that Sadie has taken it on herself to let anyone touch my computer. It's a part of me, like a diary. On the other hand, there's this intimacy about letting the guy type on my laptop that's kind of thrilling, in a way. I've never let a guy do that before.

He's not a fast typer. He looks like he's being very careful. Finally, he turns the screen to us so we can see what he wrote.

My throat isn't in good shape. I can only do a couple of songs before I don't have any voice left. I'm not really in the band. Nat just lets me sit in. Old friend.

So it's health stuff, I guess. Allergies, maybe. That's freaking tragic.

"Well, Doug," says Sadie, "this is my friend Gonk."

"Alley," I say. "People call me Alley. It's like, they're both short for Algonquin, which is my whole name. So you can also call me Quinn, or Al. Only Sadie calls me Gonk. It's her thing."

He's just looking at me. I've just totally embarrassed myself, rambling on about my name. He must think I'm another dumb drunk girl. I almost want to buy a can of pop just so I can demonstrate that I know how to open them. He doesn't even say "hi." He just waves.

"Gonk was very impressed that you knew Cole Porter and Leonard Cohen," says Sadie. "She thinks you're pretty awesome."

The dim lights probably cover the fact that I'm blushing.

"Not many people sing that song the right way," I say before Sadie can embarrass me any further. "I mean, you not only got the cocaine line, you seemed like you knew what the song was about."

He types out "Nat understands it, too, even though he's not so good at playing it. He's a theatre person. But I've been trying to explain music to Will for years. Hopeless."

"Oh my god," says Sadie. "You've known him for years?"

Doug nods.

"Are you a vampire, too?" asks Sadie.

I'm totally relieved when he shakes his head "no."

"Well, that's good," says Sadie. "Because Gonk isn't into vampires, but she's totally into you, and I'm here to set the two of you up. Were you singing that Cole Porter song to anyone?"

He shakes his head no again.

"So you're single?" Sadie asks.

Doug nods, and I swear my heart sort of flutters. I always thought hearts only really did that if you were about to have a heart attack or something. You're supposed to feel things in your BRAIN, not your heart, right? I mean, that's where I've always felt stuff before. Either my brain or my stomach. The heart thing is kind of new.

"Good," says Sadie. "You and Gonk are perfect for each other. She's a Cole Porter freak, and her dad probably has a Leonard Cohen scrapbook. You busy tomorrow night?"
Doug shakes his head, and Sadie takes the computer and types out my address.

"You have a car?" she asks.

Doug nods.

"Here's where she lives," she says, pointing to what she's typed on the screen. "Can you pick her up tomorrow night at seven?"

Doug starts typing again, and then shows me the screen.

You really want to go out?

I can't say anything. I just smile. I nod a little and blush a lot.

Doug smiles and types that he'll pick me up at seven.

I don't remember a thing about the next several minutes. I remember we loaded Marie into my car and took her to my house to clean her up, and I remember Sadie teasing me about how she knew I'd be knocked on my ass by a guy sooner or later, and that's all.

When I get online, I find that Trinity's already posted my review to the paper's home page.